lisa-s.ca

One day, my mom, my two brothers and I were playing our family’s variation of Rummy 500 (which is really fun by the way), with a double deck of cards. We were all doing quite well, and one of my brothers was doing particularly well. He got well over 100 points in one hand (that’s really good, the goal is to be the first to get to 500), and started bragging. Anyway, this went on for a while, and I got fed up with it. I stuck my cards under the draw pile and left. Needless to say, what started out as a fun game of cards turned into something quite ugly and didn’t even finish.

There were a few other times during the game when I set my cards down and walked away for a bit. A conversation something like this followed:

Mom: Lisa come back.

Lisa: Not until he stops gloating.

After the game, there was a conversation that went something like this:

P. : We would have finished if Lisa hadn’t quit.

Lisa: Yeah, well, I wouldn’t have quit if you had stopped gloating.

Mom: That was fun until you left.

Ph. : Yeah, Lisa, it was your fault.

Lisa: It wasn’t my fault. P.’s the one who was gloating and you were being rude too Ph. .

Clearly I wasn’t entirely at fault for what happened, but I was at fault for what I did. I chose to make a scene and let my temper get the best of me. It wasn’t the only thing I could have done. I could have ignored the gloating. I could have politely asked my brother to stop. I could have grumbled quietly and still kept playing. There are countless other options I could have taken which would have resulted in the game being finished and a much better outcome. When criticized for it, what did I do? I tried to change the subject and lay the blame on somebody else. I played the blame game.

I’m not the only person who plays the blame game. My brothers and sisters are great at it too. I guess I wasn’t being a very good example. It’s amazing how much our younger siblings take after us. I’ve seen people do it both online and in real life. You know what I’ve found? It’s annoying and frustrating to the one not playing the game and makes the one playing it look really thick skulled.

So, what exactly do I mean when I say playing the blame game? Well, generally what happens is that a person does something which is rude, harmful, inconsiderate or otherwise and this is pointed out to them. In the case above, my brothers and mother were pointing out that the game ended because I left.

Then, instead of evaluating what was said and seeing if they may have been at fault, they try to place then blame on whoever “caused” them to do what they did. The problem is that, although  the action wouldn’t have been done without “blamee”, whatever they did not “make” the person do it. I wouldn’t have walked away from the table if my brother hadn’t started gloating, but I didn’t have to walk away. I chose to do that.

Finally, when someone points out that regardless of the “blamee” did, they are still at fault for what they did, they try to tell you that what they did doesn’t matter, only what the “blamee” did. They aren’t at fault because what they did happened as a result of what the other person did. But really, they are still responsible for what they do. In hockey, if someone takes a cheap shot at your player and you get in a fight with the guy who made the cheap shot, you get a penalty for fighting. That’s the way it works. You are responsible for what you do.

41 So why do you see the splinter in your brother’s eye, but not notice the log in your own eye?  42 How can you say to your brother, `Brother, let me remove the splinter from your eye,’ when you yourself don’t see the log in your own eye? You hypocrite! First take the log out of your own eye; then you will see clearly, so that you can remove the splinter from your brother’s eye!

- Luke 6:41-42 (CJB)

The person who plays the blame game is very much the person in the above verse who is trying to take the splinter out of his neighbour’s eye and not the log out of his own. Instead of taking the time to evaluate what they have done, they search out faults in others so that they don’t have to.

I’ve played the blame game a lot. Recently, I’ve noticed people, both online and in real life, playing it too. I commented to my Dad on this once, and he pointed out that I do it too. Ouch! If I don’t like something and think that it is wrong, then I shouldn’t do it. I really need to work on this area, making sure I don’t play the blame game.

How about you? Do you play the blame game? Are you going to try to stop?

Most Christians (and non-Christians for that matter) would agree, I think, that it is important to respect your elders, especailly for young people. How often do you hear a mother telling her child something along these lines? Don’t we refer to older people by Mr. and Mrs. and use their last names rather than their first? Don’t we call our parents Mother and Father, our grandparents Grandma and Grandpa and our Aunts and Uncles Aunt and Uncle as terms of respect?

Why then, does this all change when we come online? We preach respecting your elders offline, and yet when we come online fifteen-year old girls are suddenly allowed to accuse adult women more than twice as old as them of sinning, turn around and use Timothy as their reasoning for doing it. Mind you, a couple of blog posts ago they were preaching Titus 2 and talking about how men and women are different and women shouldn’t be chastising men or those older than them.

Not only this, but teenagers are now allowed to claim to know the whole truth and therefore push it on their elders. Not simply that, it’s perfectly permissible to be rude about it and people shouldn’t be reading any tones into it. I’m sorry, but just because something is written doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have a tone; people are going to “hear” a tone when they read just about anything. I always try to write things using words that convey the tone I would like the readers to “hear” when they read it. I don’t think I’m very good at that though.

So, suddenly just because we’re not talking in person means teenagers can be as rude and obnoxious as they want to be and be disrespectful to their elders? I think not. It’s not even just their elders where this becomes a problem. It’s a problem when anyone believes the slightest difference and one can’t simply explain their opinion but must persist in trying to make the other person agree with them. Really, it’s Christian A talking to Christian B, but it sounds like having a conversation with a devout atheist.

Now, this isn’t to say that we shouldn’t disagree, because it’s inevitable that we will, but, that being said, there are a number of things we can do to respect our elders when we disagree. Firstly, you really need to watch the tone of your writing. You may not think of writing as having a tone of voice, but your reader will “hear” one when they read it. “You’re wrong!” comes across very differently than “I think you may be mistaken”, for example.

Secondly, remember that it is your opinion or belief and that you could be wrong, so acknowledge it as such. This ties in with the above, simply saying “I think…” or “I believe…” is much less offensive than a definitive. I’m not talking about quoting Scripture or other people here, but rather when you say anything for yourself.

Thirdly, take into account what you know the other party believes. There’s not much use in trying to quote Scripture to an athiest to convince them of something, because they don’t see it as a source of knowledge.

Fourthly, know what you are talking about and take it into context. Continuing the above example, if you’re discussing what a particular verse in the Bible means, or what the Bible says with an atheist, it’s fine to quote Scripture, but if you’re trying to prove to them that Christianity is true, it is not.

Fifthly,  know when you’re not getting anywhere and politely end the conversation. This is hard for me, because I like to be right, but sometimes I can just tell that I’m not changing someone’s mind and they’re not going to change mine, so there is really no use persisting in a discussion which is leading towards an argument. Sometimes this simply means just not responding.

Sixthly, realize that they are older than you. The have more “life experience” than you and probably don’t need you telling them how to live their lives. There is a difference between sharing what you do and why you do it and preaching it as the “law” and implying that they must do what you do.

Finally, always be polite and realize that it’s okay to apologize, especially if you feel you may have been rude, even if it’s just for being rude. I was once frustrated and got at odds with a teacher in high school who was supposed to be helping me, and I felt bad about it, so I apologized the next day. Turns out he was frustrated to and apologized to me as well. And you know what? We made up and there’s no damage done. That being said, most this doesn’t only apply to adults, but also to those the same age as you and younger than you. We should always be respectful.

1 In the same way, wives, submit to your husbands; so that even if some of them do not believe the Word, they will be won over by your conduct, without your saying anything, 2 as they see your respectful and pure behavior. 3 Your beauty should not consist in externals such as fancy hairstyles, gold jewelry or what you wear; 4 rather, let it be the inner character of your heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit. In God’s sight this is of great value. 5 This is how the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves and submit to their husbands, 6 the way Sarah obeyed Avraham, honoring him as her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not succumb to fear. 7 You husbands, likewise, conduct your married lives with understanding. Although your wife may be weaker physically, you should respect her as a fellow-heir of the gift of Life. If you don’t, your prayers will be blocked.

8 Finally, all of you, be one in mind and feeling; love as brothers; and be compassionate and humble-minded, 9 not repaying evil with evil or insult with insult, but, on the contrary, with blessing. For it is to this that you have been called, so that you may receive a blessing.

~ 1 Peter 3:1-9